Ending Alone
by SyaRaven
Summary: Kate goes home alone to deal with Castle's behavior. Two shot. M just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This one just sorta came out of me. I didn't plan it. Un beta'd so all mistakes are mine. _

**Warning: Contains graphic content, and not the fun kind. May contain triggers so please don't read it if you think it might trigger you. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Castle, not even a tiny piece.**

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Kate Beckett was always careful to lock her door as soon as she entered her apartment. It had been a need for her, ever since the police officers had shown up at her door to tell them of her mother's death. Today was no exception, she turned the bolt as soon as she had shut the door, tossing her coat and folders on the chair. She pulled her long brown hair up into a pony tail, she only wore it down at work because she knew Richard Castle loved to see it down. _But he doesn't matter anymore_, she thought, and tears that had been threatening to fall ever since she'd left the precinct finally fell.

She didn't bother to wipe them away, letting them leave tracks down her cheeks as she headed into the kitchen, gathering up all the alcohol she had her house. Before long she found herself sitting on the couch, staring at the vast array of beers, vodka, tequilas and more that she's accumulated. Sighing, she grabbed one at random and started drinking, reveling in the way that the alcohol burned her throat as she swallowed it.

Castle had always been a nuisance for her, but lately he'd become more than that, he'd become a partner, someone she could trust, someone she could love, though she couldn't admit that last part to herself. But recently, she could feel him pulling away. Kate had gone to Lanie, and she'd talked to her therapist, both told her Castle might be done waiting for her. After this last case, she was sure, she'd waited too long, and he didn't care about her anymore. Thinking back on the events of the past few days, she reached over to grab another bottle, downing more of the bitter liquid.

As she consumed more and more alcohol, Kate started remembering things about her partner, she started remembering the faces of all of his past girlfriends, his bimbos, his ex-wives. Somehow, she could see every one of their face's, or at least imagine them. She thought back to all the special moments that they'd had, the long glances, and the subtle touches. She tried to imagine where she would be at that moment if things had worked out better between them. All that she succeeded in doing was causing herself more pain, she drank more alcohol in an attempt to alleviate the pain in her chest.

Kate stumbled around her apartment, throwing everything that reminded her of Castle on the ground – his books, the birthday card he'd given her, her badge and gun, even the empty bottles of liquor. The last bottle that she threw shattered, and she didn't care enough to alter her path, walking forward onto the shards of glass, wincing as they dug their way into her feet. She gathered up the remaining bottles, and made her way to the bathroom, gasping at every step she took. She left her phone on the couch after an internal debate on whether or not she should call Lanie. But her drunken mind had managed to assuage the worries of the semi-sober part of her, telling her she wasn't that drunk, despite all the evidence.

Once in the bathroom, she pulled out the rubbing alcohol, tweezers and spare bandages, planning on digging the shards of glass out of her feet. She quickly realized that she was in no shape to do so without causing herself lots of pain. She consumed more alcohol, deciding she'd sleep in the bathroom that night and deal with her feet in the morning when she was more sober. Kate heard her phone ringing, but didn't have the energy to either walk or crawl back out to the living room in search of the offending piece of technology. Instead, she rested her back against the wall, curling into herself in a desperate attempt to give herself some comfort. She didn't know how long her phone rang, but finally it stopped, leaving her once more in the silence of her apartment.

Kate was left alone with her thoughts, and all that they brought her were memories of the old Castle, the one who'd loved her. _He doesn't love me anymore_, she thought to herself. It became her mantra, she whispered it over and over again to herself as she cowered in her small bathroom. She remembered being in a similar situation when the sniper was in town. This time, there was no one to call, no one to help her. Somewhere in the back of her mind she began to think of Lanie, and the boys, the friendship that they all shared. How they would hate to see her like this, she wouldn't let herself think of Castle anymore. But she realized that Lanie had a key to her apartment, and she definitely knew what would be going on inside Kate's head. So she pulled herself up to her knees, and then again on to the top of the toilet, reaching over for the supplies she needed in the cupboard. Feeling accomplished with eyeliner and kleenex in her hand, she pushed herself against the wall once more.

Using all of her will power, Kate forced herself to write as clearly as she could, as drunk as she was, with eyeliner on a piece of kleenex. Slowly she traced the letters, trying to get each one as perfect as she could. Finally, it was good enough, and Kate leaned to throw the eyeliner back into the cupboard, which she hadn't closed, but she misjudged and it landed in the sink instead. She looked down at the make-shift note, reading it to make sure the words made sense. There, in dark ink, with letters that looked as though a child wrote them, sat two words: _I'm sorry_.

There, that would be good enough for Lanie, if she came looking for her. Kate leaned back against the wall, taking up her former position once more, exhausted by the recent exertion of energy. Once more her phone began to ring, and once more, Kate ignored it, preferring to get lost in her good memories of her partner. She remembered the times that he brought her coffee in the morning, and thought back to all the cases where they finished each others' thoughts in an effort to solve the murder. She thought back to how she felt when she saw him with his daughter, and the love she could see in his eyes when he spoke of Alexis. She wondered if he had ever had the same love in his eyes when he spoke about her, but she doubted it, especially with his most recent actions. If you love someone, its impossible to walk away just like that.

He was done waiting for her, she knew that. But she also knew that if he'd truly loved her in the first place, he wouldn't have been able to turn off his love so abruptly. _No,_ she thought, _he never really loved me to begin with._ And that became her new mantra, _he never loved me._ After every ring of her phone she repeated the line. Kate could imagine the frustration that Lanie must be having with her at that moment, after all Kate always answered her phone. Lanie must have been calling to check up on her after Castle's behavior in the last case, and was probably very close to coming over to talk to her in person since she wasn't answering her phone. Kate did the only logical thing – drink more alcohol so that she wouldn't be coherent by the time Lanie arrived, she didn't want to talk about anything. No, she just wanted to forget now.

She wanted to forget how he smiled only for her, how his eye's twinkled when they teased each other. She wanted to forget how upset she was when she saw him empty chair. She wanted to forget how it felt to have him rub his thumb across her hand, and how it felt to be in his embrace. She wanted to obliterate the memory of kissing him, because even though it was under the pretense of distracting a guard, she knew it was more than that, they'd both felt it. So she drank more, as much as she could, as fast as she could. She knew that Lanie would be coming soon, and would put a stop to her drinking, but she didn't want that. She wanted to be in control for once, she wanted to stop the pain and the memories.

She made one more final decision, pulling herself up onto the seat of the toilet once more. Rummaging in the cupboard until she found what she was looking for. She had one bottle of vodka left, and she was going to make the most of it. She opened the bottle, and opened what she'd taken from the cupboard. She thought back to the way his lips had felt, sliding against hers, and how she'd moaned into him during the kiss. Slowly, at first and then faster, she started swallowing, downing not only the last bottle of liquor, but also the last bottle of strong pain killers she'd been given after her surgery.

She thought back to how much she loved him, and how badly he'd hurt her as she gulped down the last shot of alcohol, and the last pill. She laid her head down on her arm, curling into a sleeping position as she felt her body getting tingly. She captured the memories of him smiling at her as they went floating past in her mind. Her phone stopped ringing, but she'd stopped hearing it ring ages before that. She focused on his smiles as her eyes began to feel heavy. She dredged up one last memory, the one of him professing his love for her while she was bleeding out on the ground, as she faded away into the darkness. She imagined herself looking up at him in the memory, and saying the word she now knows to be true, _liar. _

Castle hung up the phone, thankful that Kate was smart enough to leave a spare key hidden outside her apartment, and even more thankful that Lanie trusted him to do the right thing. He was worried that she hadn't been answering his calls, or even Lanie's calls. He opened the door, preparing himself for a very angry Kate Beckett to pelt herself at him for going into her apartment uninvited. Instead, he saw the empty bottles of alcohol, and the possessions that she's smashed on the floor. He saw the broken glass, and the blood. He followed the trail, thankful that it was a relatively small amount of blood, and slowly pushed open the bathroom door.

His world ended as he ran over to check her, finding an empty bottle of vodka next to her, as well as an empty bottle of pills. He found the kleenex on which she'd written the words _I'm sorry_ very sloppily in what looked to be eye liner. He found the tweezers covered in blood from when she'd tried to remove the glass in her foot, and he found a calm look on her face.

The one thing that he didn't find was a pulse.

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_I don't know if I'll write a sequel, it depends on what you guys think. So review and let me know._

**Sya**


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: You guys got lucky that I managed to write this. I almost wasn't going to because this isn't what I intended when I wrote the first part._

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Kate awoke to the sound of beeping. It was all around her, pounding in her head, screeching into her ears, she couldn't focus on anything other than the rhythmic sounds. Slowly she came out of the darkness, pulling herself towards the noises, trying desperately to regain consciousness. Struggling to open her eyes, she listened beyond the over-powering beeping, trying to pinpoint the other noises around her. With much deliberation, she peeked open her eyes, squinting in the bright light of the room. Off to her side was a machine, the source of the obnoxious beeping, and she could barely make out the shifting symbols, but she knew enough of her predicament to know that she was in the hospital, and that machine must be monitoring her heartbeat.

"How is she?" asked one voice, and it took Kate a while to place meaning to all of the sounds.

"No change." answered a second voice. She struggled harder, trying to get her brain to comprehend all of the sensory input that her surroundings were sending her. She managed to force her bleary eyes to focus on the room in before her, and the more she blinked the clearer the objects, and people, in the room became. Kate saw Castle sitting on a chair, working quietly on his laptop, with Alexis reading a book next to him. They must have been the ones talking, since no one else was in the room. The bright swirls around the room turned into bouquets of flowers as she focused on them, and the brightness of the lights dimmed as her eyes began to adjust.

Kate tried to focus on why the hell she was lying in a hospital bed, again. This time it didn't feel as though she had been sliced open, but she was having difficulty remembering anything. Just as the panic set in that this time she might actually have trauma-induced amnesia, memories began filtering back to her. She remembered drinking an obscene amount of alcohol, trying to drown the pain that Castle had caused her. She flashed back to stepping on the broken glass, and she remembered taking the pain pills so that she could check out of the world of pain she was in for just a little while. Oh – that was it, she hadn't realized it at the time, but she mixed large amounts of alcohol with large amounts of narcotics, that must be why she was in the hospital.

"Kate? Kate!" shouted Castle, jumping up from his chair, not caring where his computer fell. He ran over, leaning close to her face. "Kate? Are you awake?"

"Aaarghhh..." she spit out, trying to speak. But her throat decided to fight her on that decision, it was too painful for her to force the words up her throat.

"Shh, don't talk." he said, brushing some of the hair out of her face, tucking it gently behind her ear. "They had to pump your stomach, your throat is going to be sore from that for a while."

Kate tried to nod, weakly, and she managed to move her head in the general direction of a nod. Castle must have understood what she meant, because he continued talking to her.

"You were unconscious when I found you. I couldn't find a pulse." she could hear his voice crack as he spoke of what must have been a traumatic event for him as well. "I called the paramedics, and they were able to resuscitate you, but your heart was weak. They rushed you here, and spent a few hours going back and forth between trying to get your stomach empty, and trying to keep your heart beating strong, and your lungs pumping air. You were in a coma, Kate. For 4 days."

She fought to move her head again, trying to get across to him her understanding. He looked down on her with such caring in his eyes that she almost thought she was dreaming. She hadn't expected to see anything close to that from him ever again, not after the way he'd been treating her lately. It was the whole reason for her freak out last night, no 4 days ago.

"Hello, Kate. I'm Dr. Mans. I've been treating you since you were admitted here in a coma 4 days ago." said a woman, dressed in her white coat and scrubs. Alexis had gone to retrieve the doctor when her father had noticed that Kate was awake. "Can you speak?"

As Kate tried her best to shake her head, Castle spoke up for her. "No, she can't."

"Well, that's to be expected. Kate, we had to pump your stomach to get the toxins out of it. The effects of taking the alcohol and narcotics in combination must be wearing off if you're awake." explained the doctor, watching her patient's face for signs of comprehension. "You'll need to stay here for a few more days until you've recovered from this... experience. Then you'll be moved to a psych ward where you'll be under a 72-hour psych eval."

"Why does she need to go there?" asked Kate's partner, showing his innate ability to read her mind once more.

"Because she tried to kill herself, Mr. Castle. And we need to make sure that she isn't going to try to do it again before we can release her." The doctor sighed in an exasperated manner, as though she'd had this conversation with Castle before.

"But, she can tell you herself that she's not going to do it again." protested Castle, he was just getting Kate back, he didn't want to loose her again for another three days. "Can't you, Kate?"

She used all of her strength to move her head again, showing she wasn't going to do it again.

"Be that as it may, Kate, you still need to go in for the psych evaluation, it's standard procedure." Dr. Mans moved around the bed, checking Kate's vitals as she went. "Alright, Kate, I'm going to get you some medication for your throat, you should be able to speak in a few hours without much pain." And then she was gone, swishing out the door with the air of someone who has more important things to do than to tend to someone who didn't even want to live. Try as she might, Kate was having difficulties keeping her eyes open, she was dead tired.

"Go to sleep, Kate." said Castle, responding to the exhaustion he saw in her eyes. She acquiesced, letting herself drift off once again, only this time it was in the presence of someone she cared about, and she wasn't leaving to forget the pain.

When she awoke for the second time, Kate found that she was alone in the room with Castle. When she got her eyes to focus on him, she saw that this time he wasn't working on his laptop, instead he was just watching her, completely attentive to her.

"Hey." he said, waiting for her to wake up fully. "How are you doing?"

"O-okay." she managed to croak out, much to their shared joy.

"Kate, you have to talk to me." Castle stood up, dragging the chair he had previously been occupying closer to the bed. Sitting down again, he reached out to take her hand, and she didn't fight him. Taking it as a good sign, he started to rub his thumb across the back of her hand, making soothing circles. She closed her eyes tightly, not wanting to believe that what he was doing to her was real, it couldn't be. "Kate, look at me."

"I can't." her voice was still harsh, unintentionally, it was just gravely from the soreness.

"Kate, please." he begged. She could no more refuse him than she could a starving puppy. Kate forced her eyes open once more, but instead of looking him in the eye, her sight drifted down to where he was caressing her hand. Finally, she let her dark eyes meet his blue ones, getting lost in them momentarily.

"I didn't mean to." she forced out, doubting that he was going to believe her.

"Then why did you?" he inquired, never ceasing his caress on her hand.

"I just wanted to forget..." answered Kate, saying each word slowly so they wouldn't get lost in the harshness of her voice.

"Forget what?" His questions wouldn't end, she knew, until he had the whole story.

"Water, please." she asked, hoping he wouldn't get too mad at her for stalling. His reaction was the complete opposite, he rushed out of the chair to pour her a cup, and after she drank it he resumed his earlier position, grasping her hand tightly as though if he didn't she was going to fade away in front of him.

"Everything that happened to us, I thought it was going to bring us closer together." she started, speaking slowly because of the pain it caused her to speak, both physically and emotionally. "But it didn't, it pushed you away. I wanted to forget everything you made me feel for you." She steeled herself to continue. "Because you didn't feel the same anymore. You walked away, Rick, you left. And I wanted to forget how much you hurt me."

Castle could see the tears forming in her eyes as she spoke, and he realized then how much he'd hurt her, without even trying. He'd been trying to protect himself, he didn't think that she was interested in him, and he wanted to move on. But he'd caused her so much pain...

"Kate, oh Kate." he murmured, laying his head down on their joined hands. "I'm so sorry... Is that why you took the pills?" She nodded slightly.

"But I didn't think, Rick. I was so drunk, I just wanted to forget everything, I wasn't thinking to kill myself. The meds were just the solution that my drunken mind thought up. I'm sorry..." He brushed the tears from her cheeks, catching each one as it fell from her eyes. He could see it in her eyes, in her actions, how much she cared about him and how much he'd hurt her by pushing away.

"No, Kate, I'm sorry. This is all my fault, I was a jackass."

"You were, but I was stupid. I waited too long." she replied, trying to tug her hand away as it all caught up to her.

"No, you didn't. I never stopped caring, Kate. I still love you." Kate squeezed her eyes closed again, hoping against all hope that this wasn't a dream, that he was really speaking those precious words to her again.

"Do I have to almost die every time I want to hear you say that?" she teased, watching the corners of his eyes crinkle as he smiled at her. "Rick, I – I love you too." With that, Castle leaned over her, pressing his lips against hers firmly. She gasped when he pulled away, not wanting the kiss to end.

"You can have more of that when you get better, and pass the psych eval, okay?" He could be just as much of a tease when he wanted to be.

"Okay." she answered, agreeing to a whole lot more than just getting better and out of the hospital. She was agreeing, to him and herself that she was ready for this, finally, she was taking the step.

He found the pulse again, his world came back to him.

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_Hope you liked it! Please review. To those of you who said this would never happen: I know. That's why this is fanfiction. Also, it is the product of having a very bad day, and being depressed. _

**Sya**


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